I’m 52 years old. Most of the time, I am happy with my body. I am healthy. I have given birth to two children. I am strong. My body heals when it is sick and carries me through the day.
My body is on the smaller side. I am 5’3 and weigh about 135 pounds. I get told I’m “small” or “petite.” I also get told I have a “flat chest,” “good legs,” “a nice butt,” and a “big head.”
Most of those comments are compliments, making me feel temporarily good about myself. But by and large, those comments don’t matter to me. What does matter to me are the thoughts that run through my mind when I’m getting dressed, looking in the mirror, buying clothes or eating, that cause me the most grief. The things I say to myself range from ”damn, I look good!” to “I feel like an out-of-shape slob.” and everything in between.
As women, we compare ourselves to others. We also compare ourselves to the best version of ourselves…. what we “used“ to be or what we “could” be. Even worse, what we “should” be.
Right now, I am carrying 10-15 extra pounds. I know this and don’t feel particularly good about myself. I know how I got to this place. I enjoyed eating and drinking whatever I wanted over the past year. I celebrated events, had too many treats at the cottage, and ate cookies and muffins during meetings at work. I let go of the reigns, and I had a blast. But that was then, and this is now.
As I get older, I am slowly becoming more comfortable in my skin, and I care a little less about the vision of what I “should be.” I am slowly shedding my attachment to and expectations of a body that is likely, not possible for me, given my priorities.
Don’t get me wrong…I am unhappy carrying the extra weight because my clothes don’t fit nicely, my workouts feel more challenging, and I know that extra pounds force my heart to work a little harder. I’m in the process of losing those pounds right now, and it sucks! But it’s important to me, so I am committed to returning to my “new” comfortable weight. I don’t know what that is yet, but the number will be less important than my ability to balance my love of life (which includes eating and drinking) and health and wellness.
So to any ladies facing the same struggles – for example, those who may be exploring their new “happy weight” or those trying to learn how to balance enjoyment and constraint… know that you’re not alone.