About ten years ago, my mother-in-law gave me a book called The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. It is a small, easy-to-read book that has a religious undertone. The messages are so powerful that even if you aren't religious, there is value to be had by all. My in-laws have a wonderful marriage, so their advice is worth taking.
Let's be honest; we are so busy daily that we often overlook ourselves and our partner's needs. If we have children, a job, social responsibilities, family, etc., we work hard to get everything done and fall into bed at night…Sometimes, I feel a sense of accomplishment, but sometimes, I wonder if there is more to life than the daily grind.
Happiness, love and security in my marriage set the tone for my overall life. While ups and downs with our kids are inevitable (especially with teenagers), they can take an emotional toll. My life works best and is most fulfilling when my husband and I are supportive and having fun "doing life" together.
Did you know that people give and receive love in different ways? And our preferences about giving and receiving love stem from how we were raised and loved?
The premise of The Five Love Languages book is that couples need to understand how both people in the partnership give and receive love. Doesn't that sound simple? The reality is that we usually offer the type of love we want because it's important to us and it's familiar. The problem with that approach is we believe we are doing loving actions and fulfilling our partner when we may not be.
The other interesting fact is that men's and women's love languages often differ. The most common love language for men is physical touch followed by words of affirmation. The most common love language for women is quality time or acts of service. You can see the misalignment. Men want to be intimate, and women want to spend time together and talk.
In the book, and after 30 years of marriage counselling, Dr Chapman concluded there are five emotional love languages:
Physical Touch is a way for some people to feel loved, desired and validated. It brings a sense of security and physical connection to any relationship. It can take many forms, from PDA to touch to sex. If your partner is a person who feels loved by physical touch, it is essential to make them feel special through the appropriate physical actions.
Words of affirmation are a way to show and receive verbal affection. Words are used to encourage and offer support. People who use this love language like to hear "I love you," and unsolicited compliments are like gold. They rely heavily on compliments to feel validated; conversely, they are sensitive to verbal insults or attacks.
Quality time is for people who love to spend time one-on-one with their partner. They feel loved and express love by making plans and doing things together, including quality conversations and activities. They are upset when plans fall through, or they are together with their partner, but that person is distracted and not fully present. If your partner values quality time, it's crucial to make spending time together a priority.
Gifts are a symbolic representation of love for some people. The gift can be expensive, or it can be a small, meaningful token of affection. If your partner expresses love through gifts, then tell them how much the gift means to you. They likely put a lot of time and effort into getting the perfect gift. If this is your partner's love language, things like missing their birthday or anniversary are a big no-no.
Acts of service refer to efforts by one's partner to make their life easier. People who show love through this love language are often thoughtful and go out of their way to help. If this is your partner's love language, they likely feel loved when you say, "Let me do that for you," or they help to share the burden of your responsibilities.
The other component of the book is related to the love tank. It sounds cheesy, but the concept works well. Understanding our partner's love language and acting accordingly fills their love tank, which is a measurement of how loved someone is feeling. We all know how happy our partners are when they receive regular physical or verbal attention. They are more patient, loving, and likely to agree to our demands. When a person's love tank is empty, it can lead to feelings of being unloved and creating issues with the relationship.
I highly recommend reading this book. It's short, simple and easy to understand. You can even read it together and do the questionnaire with your partner.
It's a marriage hack, so why not use it? We're so busy trying to do everything for everyone, so why not take the shortcut? And by a shortcut, I don't mean obfuscating our responsibilities…I mean being effective and efficient about ensuring our partner feels loved. If they want to be intimate, get it on. Tell them if they like to hear about the importance of their contribution to the family. Say it if they need to hear how beautiful the grass looks after it's been cut. I promise you will notice a difference.
In the meantime, here are some questions for you to ponder:
What makes you feel most loved by your partner?
What do you desire most from your partner?
What does your partner fail to do or say that you wish would change?
How do you express your love?
What truly makes your partner happy?